Beautiful Disaster
by AriGLizFan
Summary: "Why?" she finally whispered. I sighed, tears now falling from my eyes once more, and looked down. She pulled my chin up gently to meet her eyes. "Why," She asked a little louder, "I thought. . .I thought things were better. I thought you stopped."
1. Chapter 1

**Okay, so. I deleted my first attempt at this story because I honestly didn't like it. So I'm starting over and I do believe I like this better.**

**Disclaimer: I sadly do not own Victorious. . .**

. . . . .

I winced for a moment, but slowly began to finally relax as I felt the sharp sting of my compass gliding across my arm. I wiped the tears from my eyes and laid my head back against the bathroom wall. I barely remember how it had come to this. The divorce, dad ignoring me, mom's boyfriend, my dumbass of a boyfriend that kept cheating on me, rumors, friends leaving. They all happened all at once last year. It was all too much for me to handle and one night I found myself sitting alone in my bedroom. Door locked, tears streaming down my face, thoughts racing through my head, and a metal wire from a mechanical pencil in my hand.

In the beginning, it was just small scratches up and down my arm every now and then with that small wire, but then, over time, the wire turned into scissors, the scratches turned into cuts, and I was doing in almost routinely. I looked down at my arm as it bled and began to cry.

I didn't hear her come in, all I heard was her gasp and before I had registered what was happening she was in the floor beside me, pulling me up and into the bathroom, tears forming in her eyes. I sat on the toilet seat. She grabbed the first aid kit and carefully began cleaning and bandaging my wounds. I said nothing as she done this, I just hung my head and stared at the floor. We had been through this before. Many times.

She finished up with my arm and looked up at me with tears falling freely now.

"Why?" she finally whispered. I sighed, tears now falling from my eyes once more, and looked down. She pulled my chin up gently to meet her eyes. "Why," She asked a little louder, "I thought. . .I thought things were better. I thought you stopped."

"No," I whispered, "I never stopped." She turned her head, tears streaming down her face.

"Damnit, Cat." She looked back at me and sighed and pulled me to her, wrapping her arms around me. I buried my head in her neck and let a sob rip through me.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." I said over and over again. She ran her fingers through my hair.

"I know you are." She whispered, before pulling us back into my room and laid down. I laid down next to her and she wrapped her arms around me, letting me cry.

. . . . .

"You have to stop, Cat." Jade said a few minutes later after I had calmed down a little. I sighed and scooted closer to her, enjoying the comfort of her being here.

"I can't." She looked down at me.

"Yes you can." She said firmly. I shook my head, tears swelling up in my eyes.

"No, I can't. I-I need it. I'm not strong enough to stop." I whispered, turning my head away from her. "I've tried." I heard a small sigh leave her mouth. "Don't worry about me though. . .I will be fine." I said and sat up on my bed, staring at the wall.

"Don't say that. Cat, look at me." I shook my head, tears falling freely once again. She shifted a little and I felt her fingers on my chin, gently pulling my face towards hers. She looked me in the eyes, and I then noticed she was crying softly, too. "Cat, you are strong enough and I'm not going to just leave and think everything is going to be okay. Not again. I'm going to be here with you, whenever you need me. I am going to help you, and you will get through this."

I looked down and was quiet for a few minutes, before sighing and looking back up at her.

"Promise?" I asked quietly. She wiped at the tears on my face gently before nodding and tucking a stray piece of hair off of my forehead.

"I promise."

. . . . .

**So, what do you think? Should I continue this or leave it as a small oneshot? Please review. **


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I am not, nor have I ever been Dan Schneider. . .that would just be weird. **

Beautiful Disaster

Ch.2

It's been a week since Jade found me in my room. A week since I've looked at a pair of scissors (or anything sharp for that matter). A week since I've been able to take all these emotions out on myself. And let me tell you, I feel like I'm going to explode. I'm waiting for it to happen.

Jade has barely left my side. She has been right there with me at school, spent five of the seven days at my house, and it's all becoming a lot. I've never had somebody care this much about me before and I don't know how to take it. Today was a different story though. Today I had a family reunion and Jade couldn't be there for that. And so here I am locked in my room, rocking back and forth thinking back on today.

"_Cat, why aren't you wearing any makeup?" my mamaw asked me and I sighed. _

"_I am wearing makeup." And it's true, I was. I just wasn't wearing a lot. I mean, it's just family. I put on enough to make it look like I'm better than I actually am, but apparently not enough to look good. _

"_I don't know why you try to hide. If you would just put a little makeup on like your sister, you would look beautiful." Oh, nice. So I don't look beautiful now? Thanks mamaw, thanks a lot. _

No matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, I will never be good enough for her. I'm never pretty enough, I'm never sporty enough, I'm never outspoken enough. No, all these categories belong to my sister. I'm always compared to her. Always. She is beautiful, funny, athletic, and I'm just the big sister.

And suddenly, my mind wonders to the compass I stashed and hid from Jade and I'm walking over to my closet and now that it's in my hands, there is no turning back. It's been way to long and I deserve it.

. . . . .

I once again pulled at the sleeves of my shirt then next day, feeling more self-conscious than I had in a while. If I can just make it through the day without Jade finding out what happened, it will be okay and everything will be fine. I shut my locker and turn to go to Sikowitz's class when I ran into Jade.

"Hey," She said and leaned against the lockers, "How did it go yesterday?" I shrugged.

"It went. What did you do yesterday?"

"Laid around, watched a little TV."

"Oh, well that sounds fun. I should really be getting to class now or I'm going to be late!" I turn and start towards the classroom.

"Wait Cat, what are you talking about we still have like-" she grabbed my arm. I winced. She looked down at my arm and her eyes narrowed.

"Cat. . .?" I looked the other way, refusing to meet her gaze. She slid her hand down gently and laced her fingers with mine. I looked up confused and she nodded in the direction of the opposite direction. I sighed and let her pull me into the janitor's closet.

"Show me your arm." She said quietly once the door was shut. I laid back against the wall and slid down till I was sitting hugging my knees to my chest.

"Cat. ." She sat down in front of me and gently grabbed my arm, I buried my head in my knees and she carefully pulled my sleeve up, she studied my arm for a moment before pulling the sleeve down and doing the same thing with my other arm. I looked up at her with watery eyes and she took me in her arms.

"Are you disappointed in me?" I mumbled into her shoulder. She ran her fingers through my hair.

"Well, I'm not happy about it, but I'm not disappointed," She tilted my face up to look at her, "You are trying and it's going to take a while, but you'll be okay," she brushed some hair out of my face, "I promise." I laid my head back down on her shoulder.

"Thank you." I whispered quietly.

"Always."

. . . . .

**I would love it if you would review. :)**


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